her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
