I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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