I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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