Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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