Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
