this beer tastes like vomit already
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
