And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
