my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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