I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
