im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
