last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
