I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
