the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
