I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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