I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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