She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
