I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
