My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
