please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
