I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
