it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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