Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
