i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
