New low: just hacked my moms facebook
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
