I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
