My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
