my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
