I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
