I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
