just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
