So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
