I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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