She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
