i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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