after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
