A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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