Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
