turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
