yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
