My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
