My sheets look like a crime scene.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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