foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
