"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
