True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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