i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This is my gift to your gina
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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