don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
