I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
