hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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