Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
