thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
