I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
