Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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