I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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