I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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