whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
