we're chasing vodka with high fives
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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