then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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